Embrace it!

I can remember the exact moment I become self conscious about my body. I was 7 years old (yes... 7) and I had been playing with my neighbor in her back yard one hot summer day. We were both in tshirts and shorts as little girls should be on days like that, running around and jumping on her trampoline. We decided to take a break and sit in some shade on her back deck steps. That's when we started to notice the different sizes in our thighs. I remember thinking "What is wrong with me? Why are my thighs so much bigger?" and having this sinking feeling in my stomach. After that my body and looks became a competition with other girls my age. What they wore and how they wore it weighed heavy on my mind. It was especially difficult in dance class with a large group of very thin girls who always seemed to look perfect while I was in the same outfit with a muffin top. It was one of the reasons I decided to leave dance. It didn't help that my family had always been thinner than me at the age I was at, I didn't feel like I was normal.

It got really bad for me around age 14, I went through some health issues and gained a lot of weight from them. It was the worst time of my life. My self-esteem was at an all time low and by the time I was around 21 years old I had become increasingly close to an eating disorder. I would eat 10 crackers and convince myself I was full, hunger became an addictive pain in which I craved. I weighed myself constantly and felt so amazing when I had the willpower to not eat a normal sized meal. I was trapped in my mind convinced I was ugly unless I could force myself not to eat. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't the healthy thing to do, and also a lot of close friends and family reaching out to remind me that too for me to stop. 

Now at an older age it's interesting to see how the world views body shapes and health. It's considered normal and acceptable for women to say things like "Ugh I look so haggard today, I'm so ugly." or "I really need to lose weight." No one really grasps what these things can do to themselves and everyone around them. Growing up my mother was (and still is) the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. To me her hair was made of sunlight and her hugs could cure anything. She also said those comments even though I could never see it to be true. It's why I get so annoyed with those trendy posts about "real looking barbie dolls" or the no make-up selfies. I even got told that I don't know what I'm talking about because of my fortunate upbringing when I tried to speak my mind, this mind set of body put downs does not discriminate what class of society you lived in. As a society we are willing to blame everything but ourselves for the issue as to why 7 year old girls end up comparing thigh sizes. We as women (and men for young boys too) have the power to change that.

We need to stop saying those little phrases that come into our minds to put ourselves down. More times than not what is coming out of your mouth will be more harmful to your body than that cupcake you put in it. It is totally okay to like things about yourself, we're allowed to. It doesn't make you vain, it makes you honest. There are people in this world who have much bigger problems than weight and on the grand scheme of things it should never be as big of an issue. Women think about it, how often do you think about your weight? How many times have you gotten dressed in the morning, turned sideways in the mirror, and then sucked your tummy in as far as you could until it met your approval... then tried to stay sucked in the whole day? Think about how much of your life you're spending on gaining your own god damned approval for how your body is supposed to look. Isn't it exhausting?? I know I'm fed up.

Recently because of medication and other things in my life I have gained a lot of weight and I'm now the heaviest and biggest I've ever been in my life. To be honest at first I was mortified, how was I going to look okay like this? But once I really thought about it, and found clothes that suit my new body type I have started to embrace it, and even love it. The key wasn't changing my body, it was changing my mind. I could either sulk and put myself down, or I could use this as an opportunity to try out a new style for a new me. Why can't we celebrate weight gain like we do weight loss? I always hear about how women buy new wardrobes because they just lost a ton of weight, well I want to shop and celebrate too! I'm getting inspired and looking at beautiful curvy women and how they dress for their body shapes. I am no longer trying to look like a little girl so there are many more options for my age group now thankfully. 

I'm also going to challenge myself, I am going to show off my arms as much as I can this summer. My arms are my biggest insecurity because of the thickness and the spots I have on them. If I can go all summer showing my arms, and not have someone in my life leave me because they can't stand to look at me then I'd call that a success. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? I think this is our biggest flaw with having body issues, who does it affect other than you? What real friend is going to look at a body flaw and decide they don't like you anymore? Seriously what's the worst that could happen? I'm embracing my flaws and my new bigger body with a bunch of love for this bathing suit season coming up. I hope I gave you some courage to try it too no matter what your body type, big or small we all have flaws. For the little girls who will become the women in the future show them that your body and what you look like doesn't define your self-worth. 

The change begins with us.