Embrace it!

I can remember the exact moment I become self conscious about my body. I was 7 years old (yes... 7) and I had been playing with my neighbor in her back yard one hot summer day. We were both in tshirts and shorts as little girls should be on days like that, running around and jumping on her trampoline. We decided to take a break and sit in some shade on her back deck steps. That's when we started to notice the different sizes in our thighs. I remember thinking "What is wrong with me? Why are my thighs so much bigger?" and having this sinking feeling in my stomach. After that my body and looks became a competition with other girls my age. What they wore and how they wore it weighed heavy on my mind. It was especially difficult in dance class with a large group of very thin girls who always seemed to look perfect while I was in the same outfit with a muffin top. It was one of the reasons I decided to leave dance. It didn't help that my family had always been thinner than me at the age I was at, I didn't feel like I was normal.

It got really bad for me around age 14, I went through some health issues and gained a lot of weight from them. It was the worst time of my life. My self-esteem was at an all time low and by the time I was around 21 years old I had become increasingly close to an eating disorder. I would eat 10 crackers and convince myself I was full, hunger became an addictive pain in which I craved. I weighed myself constantly and felt so amazing when I had the willpower to not eat a normal sized meal. I was trapped in my mind convinced I was ugly unless I could force myself not to eat. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't the healthy thing to do, and also a lot of close friends and family reaching out to remind me that too for me to stop. 

Now at an older age it's interesting to see how the world views body shapes and health. It's considered normal and acceptable for women to say things like "Ugh I look so haggard today, I'm so ugly." or "I really need to lose weight." No one really grasps what these things can do to themselves and everyone around them. Growing up my mother was (and still is) the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. To me her hair was made of sunlight and her hugs could cure anything. She also said those comments even though I could never see it to be true. It's why I get so annoyed with those trendy posts about "real looking barbie dolls" or the no make-up selfies. I even got told that I don't know what I'm talking about because of my fortunate upbringing when I tried to speak my mind, this mind set of body put downs does not discriminate what class of society you lived in. As a society we are willing to blame everything but ourselves for the issue as to why 7 year old girls end up comparing thigh sizes. We as women (and men for young boys too) have the power to change that.

We need to stop saying those little phrases that come into our minds to put ourselves down. More times than not what is coming out of your mouth will be more harmful to your body than that cupcake you put in it. It is totally okay to like things about yourself, we're allowed to. It doesn't make you vain, it makes you honest. There are people in this world who have much bigger problems than weight and on the grand scheme of things it should never be as big of an issue. Women think about it, how often do you think about your weight? How many times have you gotten dressed in the morning, turned sideways in the mirror, and then sucked your tummy in as far as you could until it met your approval... then tried to stay sucked in the whole day? Think about how much of your life you're spending on gaining your own god damned approval for how your body is supposed to look. Isn't it exhausting?? I know I'm fed up.

Recently because of medication and other things in my life I have gained a lot of weight and I'm now the heaviest and biggest I've ever been in my life. To be honest at first I was mortified, how was I going to look okay like this? But once I really thought about it, and found clothes that suit my new body type I have started to embrace it, and even love it. The key wasn't changing my body, it was changing my mind. I could either sulk and put myself down, or I could use this as an opportunity to try out a new style for a new me. Why can't we celebrate weight gain like we do weight loss? I always hear about how women buy new wardrobes because they just lost a ton of weight, well I want to shop and celebrate too! I'm getting inspired and looking at beautiful curvy women and how they dress for their body shapes. I am no longer trying to look like a little girl so there are many more options for my age group now thankfully. 

I'm also going to challenge myself, I am going to show off my arms as much as I can this summer. My arms are my biggest insecurity because of the thickness and the spots I have on them. If I can go all summer showing my arms, and not have someone in my life leave me because they can't stand to look at me then I'd call that a success. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? I think this is our biggest flaw with having body issues, who does it affect other than you? What real friend is going to look at a body flaw and decide they don't like you anymore? Seriously what's the worst that could happen? I'm embracing my flaws and my new bigger body with a bunch of love for this bathing suit season coming up. I hope I gave you some courage to try it too no matter what your body type, big or small we all have flaws. For the little girls who will become the women in the future show them that your body and what you look like doesn't define your self-worth. 

The change begins with us.

What the heck do I eat now?? How do I function in society?

My diet wasn't always super interesting up until the past few months. I am now a dairy free vegetarian with a sensitivity to bell peppers and soy (just found that out this week)... this time last year I was a meat eating cheese chewing girl with a love for all things sweet. So how did I get here? Well interestingly enough none of it was really a total choice for me, my body told me what I should and shouldn't be eating; as it should I suppose.

I had never been a big fan of red meat, whenever my dad made it for dinner (and by the way his cooking is phenomenal)  I used to feel bloated and icky for the next little while. It was never bad enough to stop eating it when I was younger but it began to be a larger problem around November last year. When the stomach pain and icky feelings kept happening I decided enough was enough and gave up meat all together. To some that may sound incredibly difficult but for me it was no biggie. I had been a vegetarian a few times in my life and it was something I was used to working around. Being a vegetarian before was strictly because I didn't agree with the meat industry or the treatment of animals, now that is mostly a motivator to stick with it for my sake and for the sake of animals and the Earth.

Milk however was much much harder for me. Still is because of how new it is right now. Anyone who really knows me knows how much I love cheese, I stopped drinking milk forever ago but cheese? Cheese was my best friend. But after the last time I ate it and immediately felt ill and had a lot of pain I knew I could never go back. Now that I've been off it for a few weeks I feel 100 times better. I am even sleeping better! It was like a miracle. I stopped being too sick to go into school and actually felt like a normal human being again.

Soy... goodbye soy. It again upsets my stomach, and after doing some research it looks like it's all GMO's now and really not that good for you anyway. Guess that's done too.

So what do I eat? Anything I can that has at least some nutrients. Beans, lentils, veggies, fruits, eggs.. let's just hope I never have to give up gluten!!

One thing no one really prepares you for when you're someone with an allergy or food sensitivity is the social issues you will run into. I'm not talking just about meat or dairy, I mean any food allergies that are commonly used foods in our western diet. I challenge you to walk into any grocery store look at how many things contain either meat, dairy, or soy and look and the things that don't... now try to make a nutritional meal that will cover the bases and sounds satisfying.

I've now taken to reading online menus for any restaurant we want to go to, to make sure they even serve food I'll be able to eat, it's difficult to find a non-meat dish that is dairy and soy free also. Pasta is my saving grace. The worst is being invited for dinner at someone's home and feeling terrible that they now have to scramble just as badly as you are to figure out what you can eat. Especially when it comes to my parents, when you grow up in a household with a loving Italian chef who puts his heart and soul into anything he makes it's hard to look at him and tell him you can't eat it... it's the best food ever too. It's also difficult to offer to just bring your own food as that may come off as rude. Sometimes I can't think of anything I want because nothing sounds good to me that I can eat, it feels like I have a set foods I can eat and I'll have to suck it up and eat it even if I don't enjoy it. I am used to having a love affair with food and when you're not happy with your meal on a constant basis it can become really discouraging. I will admit that because of these reasons I have often wondered what it would be like to just give in, grab a cheese burger with people who eat the same food and join in their omnivore ways again. But I can't, my body won't let me and my mind would be ashamed.

Another part of society I don't fully enjoy is the judgement that comes along with being vegetarian. It's like as soon as you say the word some people put their shields up and get really defensive. I just want to make it clear that I'm not bothered by what other people eat, what you put in your body is just as much your choice as it is for what I put in mine for me. The jokes I get are never needed and even though I laugh them off it can hurt sometimes. I just want to feel like myself and that it's okay my body can't deal with some foods.

So what the heck do I eat?... still trying to figure that out, but when I get there I'll let you know. My diet is not going to ruin my quality of life, I will be using this as a motivator to get as healthy as possible!!

-Lauren

Let's begin shall we?

Here I am, 23 years old, a college student, madly in love with a man and my life, and I'm ready to put it to paper... or an internet version of paper.

So how do I even start this? I guess with what you need to know about me. I genuinely feel I always try to be a good person, I don't eat meat or dairy (personal reasons with slight moral justification), I'm in school for travel and tourism hoping to become a travel agent (and of course see the world), after years of religious exploration I've become an atheist, and I'm pretty much just trying to figure out the rest as I go. 

The reason I want to blog I think is the same reason so many others want to do it. I have ideas and thoughts to share and also it's a great way to look back at who I was and where I came from. Before when I've tried to blog my life wasn't always in a great place to start, but things are about to get really exciting around here so I figured what the heck!

I've finally gotten to that place in life where I can start making the big goals and even see the finish line for most of them. Such as finishing school, getting married, and seeing the world. The last one is happening pretty soon with a Europe trip in May with an internship at a travel agency to follow. I feel that I will have some valuable travel information to share. 

So if you're liking this first blog already I hope you'll stick around for the next, it would be nice (although not totally realistic) to do a blog every week. Guess I'll have to see where it goes!

Until next time.

-Lauren