My transition into an Athiest

Okay so this is going to be a little bit of a rant. Over the past year I have made huge steps in changing my mind frame into a mostly logical way of thinking; this means I now see the world away from any influence of religion or spirituality. It's still a sadly hard subject to fully open about as I am a people pleaser and I tend to really care what people think of me. I also have my own personal struggles with my self confidence and image so it can be really difficult to express how I feel (even when it's not meant as something malicious) without the worry of being met with anger or indifference. Let me start with a little back story of how it all started.

When I was 7 years old my mom and I started going to church on a regular basis. We went to the United church so it was a very open minded place and only preached to follow Jesus's example of loving everyone and being kind. Hell was never mentioned, women were respected, questioning the bible was encouraged, and they are even supporters of LGBT marriages. I was brought up to believe that this is what religion was supposed to be, kind and friendly with an open mind to other people and their beliefs. I even volunteered myself to be baptised and later when I was 14 I was confirmed into the church meaning I became recognised as an adult member of the congregation. God and Jesus were my home boys but I never tried to convert people or think of myself as better than people because I had faith. When I was Christian I almost didn't even think about it, it was such a normal part of life. I thought my way of interpreting the religion was the logical way of looking at it, just be nice to each other. When I looked at other sectors of religion I thought those people were crazy and extreme, they had too many rules and far to many expectations to "earn God's love" where in my mind as long as you existed you deserved that love.

So with such a good upbringing with Christianity how did I turn out to be an Atheist? It was a very very very long process. It started when I began to question the bible, and I mean everything about the bible. Who actually wrote this? If the old and new testaments are so different why do we bother looking at both? How do we know this was interpreted correctly? Then I began to just question religion as a whole, I looked into other religious beliefs. I thought that if I can look at the Greek Gods and Goddesses and accept that they never existed what's to say that my God ever did? What made him so special that we was actually real? Because people believed in him hard enough? I'm sure the ancient Greeks also felt the same about Zeus. They are now known as Greek Mythology, one day Christian Mythology might be a thing too. I looked into wicca, Buddhism (although I have since learned it's not really a religion of sorts so it's confusing), Islam, Judaism, you name it and I've probably read up on it at least a little (no expert by any means). So I suddenly went from having all the answers to only having questions, I just told myself that it was okay not to know what to believe in and just accept it that no one could know for sure.

I left it like this for a while, just in limbo of not knowing what to question or what I could answer. Eventually I began talking with Atheists who had made a similar transition. I cannot tell you how wonderful it felt to just accept that logic and science are the only hard breaking truths I could ever believe in. It was finally okay to admit that I was wrong and that I didn't know the answers to everything, but at the same time continue to be curious and see the world for the beauty and the marvel it is. I will admit though that it was also a grieving process, most of my life was spent with that little voice in the back of my head saying things like "God will make the right path for you." "everything happens for a reason" "you will see your loved ones that have passed away again". Suddenly logic had to take over and still to this day I get those thoughts and have to remind myself what the logic behind it could be. Like I said, slow process but one that is really worth while.

How I see religion now is as a waste of time and in many cases a set back. My parents consider themselves to be spiritual and I will explain how that differs a bit from being religious. Spirituality is a personal belief system that can mean many different things to different people, but the point there is that it's personal. They see it as something that helps them personally through tough times in life or just as a way to feel more satisfied. They are not trying to push their beliefs on people, and in my opinion they are not harming people. Religious people are people who follow strict rules as to how you are to act and live your life. These are the type people who cherry pick from the bible to make the bible work for them. Creationist are the perfect example of religious people who become closed minded and therefore stunt their education. This is what gets to me the most, the lack of education with people in these mindsets is what is the most damaging. If religion didn't exist I am so confident we would be even more advanced as a human race in general. We wouldn't have needed to fight for women rights or LGBT rights, they would just be normal. A book that no one fully understands and was written thousands of years ago has shaped our world and continues to do damage to those who do not meet its standards.

Just to be clear, I do not hate religious people, I don't blame them for being swept up in something that promises them their dreams and tells them they are "special". I just hate religion for even existing. When I first became an Atheist I was really angry that people were dumb enough to buy into it all, but I had to remind myself that I was one of those people. Not to the extreme extent but I was there to some point of degree. There are still people out there who I would call idiots sure, but I still blame religion for getting them there in the first place. Also in my experience I have met more genuinely nice people who had no religious background compared to the countless judgemental bigots that I met through religion.

Today I am a proud Atheist who thanks my parents, fiance, friends , and herself for where she is in life and the happiness it brings. I no longer dream about what it will be like going to heaven one day but I focus and enjoy everyday I have alive as best I can because I know now once it's over it's over. My morals have stayed the same without needing encouragement of doing something nice because that's what "God" wants me to do.

I am finally free to live my life with a fully open mind and see the world around me for what it truly is, scientifically beautiful with a bunch of brainwashed individuals with too much power. Perhaps one day that last part will change, and it will be glorious. Until then I am happy to be in this time of awakening around the world as the number of Atheists are continuing to grow.

Praise be to logic!

Embrace it!

I can remember the exact moment I become self conscious about my body. I was 7 years old (yes... 7) and I had been playing with my neighbor in her back yard one hot summer day. We were both in tshirts and shorts as little girls should be on days like that, running around and jumping on her trampoline. We decided to take a break and sit in some shade on her back deck steps. That's when we started to notice the different sizes in our thighs. I remember thinking "What is wrong with me? Why are my thighs so much bigger?" and having this sinking feeling in my stomach. After that my body and looks became a competition with other girls my age. What they wore and how they wore it weighed heavy on my mind. It was especially difficult in dance class with a large group of very thin girls who always seemed to look perfect while I was in the same outfit with a muffin top. It was one of the reasons I decided to leave dance. It didn't help that my family had always been thinner than me at the age I was at, I didn't feel like I was normal.

It got really bad for me around age 14, I went through some health issues and gained a lot of weight from them. It was the worst time of my life. My self-esteem was at an all time low and by the time I was around 21 years old I had become increasingly close to an eating disorder. I would eat 10 crackers and convince myself I was full, hunger became an addictive pain in which I craved. I weighed myself constantly and felt so amazing when I had the willpower to not eat a normal sized meal. I was trapped in my mind convinced I was ugly unless I could force myself not to eat. It took me a while to figure out that it wasn't the healthy thing to do, and also a lot of close friends and family reaching out to remind me that too for me to stop. 

Now at an older age it's interesting to see how the world views body shapes and health. It's considered normal and acceptable for women to say things like "Ugh I look so haggard today, I'm so ugly." or "I really need to lose weight." No one really grasps what these things can do to themselves and everyone around them. Growing up my mother was (and still is) the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. To me her hair was made of sunlight and her hugs could cure anything. She also said those comments even though I could never see it to be true. It's why I get so annoyed with those trendy posts about "real looking barbie dolls" or the no make-up selfies. I even got told that I don't know what I'm talking about because of my fortunate upbringing when I tried to speak my mind, this mind set of body put downs does not discriminate what class of society you lived in. As a society we are willing to blame everything but ourselves for the issue as to why 7 year old girls end up comparing thigh sizes. We as women (and men for young boys too) have the power to change that.

We need to stop saying those little phrases that come into our minds to put ourselves down. More times than not what is coming out of your mouth will be more harmful to your body than that cupcake you put in it. It is totally okay to like things about yourself, we're allowed to. It doesn't make you vain, it makes you honest. There are people in this world who have much bigger problems than weight and on the grand scheme of things it should never be as big of an issue. Women think about it, how often do you think about your weight? How many times have you gotten dressed in the morning, turned sideways in the mirror, and then sucked your tummy in as far as you could until it met your approval... then tried to stay sucked in the whole day? Think about how much of your life you're spending on gaining your own god damned approval for how your body is supposed to look. Isn't it exhausting?? I know I'm fed up.

Recently because of medication and other things in my life I have gained a lot of weight and I'm now the heaviest and biggest I've ever been in my life. To be honest at first I was mortified, how was I going to look okay like this? But once I really thought about it, and found clothes that suit my new body type I have started to embrace it, and even love it. The key wasn't changing my body, it was changing my mind. I could either sulk and put myself down, or I could use this as an opportunity to try out a new style for a new me. Why can't we celebrate weight gain like we do weight loss? I always hear about how women buy new wardrobes because they just lost a ton of weight, well I want to shop and celebrate too! I'm getting inspired and looking at beautiful curvy women and how they dress for their body shapes. I am no longer trying to look like a little girl so there are many more options for my age group now thankfully. 

I'm also going to challenge myself, I am going to show off my arms as much as I can this summer. My arms are my biggest insecurity because of the thickness and the spots I have on them. If I can go all summer showing my arms, and not have someone in my life leave me because they can't stand to look at me then I'd call that a success. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? I think this is our biggest flaw with having body issues, who does it affect other than you? What real friend is going to look at a body flaw and decide they don't like you anymore? Seriously what's the worst that could happen? I'm embracing my flaws and my new bigger body with a bunch of love for this bathing suit season coming up. I hope I gave you some courage to try it too no matter what your body type, big or small we all have flaws. For the little girls who will become the women in the future show them that your body and what you look like doesn't define your self-worth. 

The change begins with us.

What the heck do I eat now?? How do I function in society?

My diet wasn't always super interesting up until the past few months. I am now a dairy free vegetarian with a sensitivity to bell peppers and soy (just found that out this week)... this time last year I was a meat eating cheese chewing girl with a love for all things sweet. So how did I get here? Well interestingly enough none of it was really a total choice for me, my body told me what I should and shouldn't be eating; as it should I suppose.

I had never been a big fan of red meat, whenever my dad made it for dinner (and by the way his cooking is phenomenal)  I used to feel bloated and icky for the next little while. It was never bad enough to stop eating it when I was younger but it began to be a larger problem around November last year. When the stomach pain and icky feelings kept happening I decided enough was enough and gave up meat all together. To some that may sound incredibly difficult but for me it was no biggie. I had been a vegetarian a few times in my life and it was something I was used to working around. Being a vegetarian before was strictly because I didn't agree with the meat industry or the treatment of animals, now that is mostly a motivator to stick with it for my sake and for the sake of animals and the Earth.

Milk however was much much harder for me. Still is because of how new it is right now. Anyone who really knows me knows how much I love cheese, I stopped drinking milk forever ago but cheese? Cheese was my best friend. But after the last time I ate it and immediately felt ill and had a lot of pain I knew I could never go back. Now that I've been off it for a few weeks I feel 100 times better. I am even sleeping better! It was like a miracle. I stopped being too sick to go into school and actually felt like a normal human being again.

Soy... goodbye soy. It again upsets my stomach, and after doing some research it looks like it's all GMO's now and really not that good for you anyway. Guess that's done too.

So what do I eat? Anything I can that has at least some nutrients. Beans, lentils, veggies, fruits, eggs.. let's just hope I never have to give up gluten!!

One thing no one really prepares you for when you're someone with an allergy or food sensitivity is the social issues you will run into. I'm not talking just about meat or dairy, I mean any food allergies that are commonly used foods in our western diet. I challenge you to walk into any grocery store look at how many things contain either meat, dairy, or soy and look and the things that don't... now try to make a nutritional meal that will cover the bases and sounds satisfying.

I've now taken to reading online menus for any restaurant we want to go to, to make sure they even serve food I'll be able to eat, it's difficult to find a non-meat dish that is dairy and soy free also. Pasta is my saving grace. The worst is being invited for dinner at someone's home and feeling terrible that they now have to scramble just as badly as you are to figure out what you can eat. Especially when it comes to my parents, when you grow up in a household with a loving Italian chef who puts his heart and soul into anything he makes it's hard to look at him and tell him you can't eat it... it's the best food ever too. It's also difficult to offer to just bring your own food as that may come off as rude. Sometimes I can't think of anything I want because nothing sounds good to me that I can eat, it feels like I have a set foods I can eat and I'll have to suck it up and eat it even if I don't enjoy it. I am used to having a love affair with food and when you're not happy with your meal on a constant basis it can become really discouraging. I will admit that because of these reasons I have often wondered what it would be like to just give in, grab a cheese burger with people who eat the same food and join in their omnivore ways again. But I can't, my body won't let me and my mind would be ashamed.

Another part of society I don't fully enjoy is the judgement that comes along with being vegetarian. It's like as soon as you say the word some people put their shields up and get really defensive. I just want to make it clear that I'm not bothered by what other people eat, what you put in your body is just as much your choice as it is for what I put in mine for me. The jokes I get are never needed and even though I laugh them off it can hurt sometimes. I just want to feel like myself and that it's okay my body can't deal with some foods.

So what the heck do I eat?... still trying to figure that out, but when I get there I'll let you know. My diet is not going to ruin my quality of life, I will be using this as a motivator to get as healthy as possible!!

-Lauren

Let's begin shall we?

Here I am, 23 years old, a college student, madly in love with a man and my life, and I'm ready to put it to paper... or an internet version of paper.

So how do I even start this? I guess with what you need to know about me. I genuinely feel I always try to be a good person, I don't eat meat or dairy (personal reasons with slight moral justification), I'm in school for travel and tourism hoping to become a travel agent (and of course see the world), after years of religious exploration I've become an atheist, and I'm pretty much just trying to figure out the rest as I go. 

The reason I want to blog I think is the same reason so many others want to do it. I have ideas and thoughts to share and also it's a great way to look back at who I was and where I came from. Before when I've tried to blog my life wasn't always in a great place to start, but things are about to get really exciting around here so I figured what the heck!

I've finally gotten to that place in life where I can start making the big goals and even see the finish line for most of them. Such as finishing school, getting married, and seeing the world. The last one is happening pretty soon with a Europe trip in May with an internship at a travel agency to follow. I feel that I will have some valuable travel information to share. 

So if you're liking this first blog already I hope you'll stick around for the next, it would be nice (although not totally realistic) to do a blog every week. Guess I'll have to see where it goes!

Until next time.

-Lauren